The Passage of Time

The girls had their first day of preschool on Tuesday. They did an amazing job. I was so worried that tears were going to be shed -mostly by me. And, they were (by me) but I was able to hold it together until they were out of sight. I had to.
I guess because my girls have embarked on this new milestone in their lives, I have been thinking about how fast time really does go by. I can remember wanting a baby so much, thinking I was a failure as a woman and a wife because I couldn't get pregnant. Every time the phone rang it was one of my friends telling me that she was pregnant. It wasn't that I didn't feel excitement for them, but it was difficult to hear.
I remember sitting in that fertility clinic and hearing that something could be done for us. I can recall the exact moment in time when I found out I was pregnant and the sudden joy and fear that filled my heart. So happy that I was pregnant and so worried that everything would be O.K. How could I have known this was only the beginning of the worry? It was while walking through Home Depot that I got a call telling me the blood work showed I was likely having twins. It was a amazing moment when I got to share that news with Dan. Then came the ultrasounds, the appointments, etc. All leading up to the day my precious babies were born.
Oh the nights I wished for sleep. Just for a minute without disruption. What I would pay for those moments now. Having those sweet girls, their soft breath on my neck snuggling close on my chest. Whenever I see new parents I want to tell them not to wish away those difficult moments. But, I know it wouldn't help. People said the same things to me. That is a lesson that must be lived the hard way.
So it is almost 5 years later and, despite learning a lot of things, I have so far to go. I know my job as a mother is to raise capable, courteous, loving members of society. But it sure feels wrong to let them go. Oh how I wish I could put them in a bubble and protect them from the hard and harsh world, but would that be fair to them? They deserve a life where they can learn their own lessons and make their own mistakes. I wish they didn't have to. I wish they would always listen to me and Dan. But they won't. And, truth be told, we may not hold all of the answers. My goal as their mom is to continue to do the best I can. I hope I can always be a soft place to land. But, more than anything else, I want them to know that I will love them no matter what until the end of time.