Mid-life Crisis

I sat down to write tonight because I need to. I know I always feel "better" about my feelings if I can, although metaphorically, put pen to paper. But, as I sit here, I don't know what to say. I know that I have a whirlwind of feelings, thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes, dreams, hesitations, anticipations - the entire gamut of emotions - going on right now. So, I am going to try to be as succinct and sensible as I can. But, I'm certainly not making any promises!

One of the things I can't get out of my mind is a recent exchange I had with a friend. We were discussing a particular activity that is very important to me, but that I had been unable to do for a while. The question of how I could let anything get in the way of something so important to me was posed. When I was first asked the question, I almost felt embarrassed that I had, indeed, let something get in the way of my goal. But as I began to think on it further, I came to a conclusion - I don't get to do everything I want. Pretty straight forward, huh? But, it's true. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, an employee, etc. I wear many different hats at one time. And, as much as I would like it to "be all about me," it's not. And you know what? That kind of infuriates me.

Lately I have been having a pity party where, unfortunately, I was the only one to RSVP! I have been reflecting on my life and I have been quite dissatisfied. I feel angry that I have to consider others when making a decision. I hate that I have to answer to someone in regards to my whereabouts. I don't want to have to account for money that is spent. I wonder why I am the only one who has to worry about finding a babysitter. And so on and so forth. I know it sounds selfish. I know I am lucky to have the life that I do. I know that I am the only one responsible for the decisions I have made in my life. But, it doesn't take away the malcontent I am feeling.

In talking with some friends about my same age, I have been surprised to hear that I am not the only person having these feelings. Many others (men and women alike) are experiencing the same frustrations. I wish I could say that our discussions have led to some amazing, life-altering conclusions, but I would be lying. If anything, we have left feeling even more confused than before.

I am trying to keep in mind that this place I am in isn't forever. Life is all about the ebbs and flows. I have lived long enough to know the things that discourage me now will, likely, not matter one year from now - that I will look back on this time and yearn for it's simplicity. I am striving to focus on the good in my life - my family, my friends, my health, my job.

What I really hope is that those of you who might be struggling with the trials of life read this. And that by doing so, you will realize that you are not alone.