It's All About The Journey

I am struggling. I can't really pinpoint my feelings. I am restless yet tired, bored yet overwhelmed, wanting some kind of change but scared to leave my comfort zone.
I have always struggled with depression. It is something that embarrasses me. I feel like everyone around me is perfectly able to cope and I can't. I wonder why I can't. Is it really a "chemical imbalance," or am I just weak?
For the most part, I have been able to keep it at bay. But when my mother-in-law died 3 years ago it sent me reeling into a lonely,dark place I thought I might never escape from. I gained 50 lbs., lost interest in many of the things that once gave me joy, and began a twisted journey of self-loathing. No amount of therapy and no prescription for medication could set me free. But I was determined to feel better. I couldn't bear the thought of my girls seeing me this way, remembering a childhood lived with a mother who was helplessly lost. So I trudged on and, eventually, dug myself out. But I am here again.
I am sure the death of my Dad is the catalyst for these feelings. It is clear that I don't know how to deal with loss. The worst part is the picture I have of him the day he died. He struggled to get comfortable, longed to get up, and, finally succumbed to the inevitable. As much as I am grateful for the time I had with him, I feel guilt for the time I didn't spend. The months I chose, consciously or unconsciously, to ignore it. The days I will never get back.
So I am here. Here in an empty, sad place that I can't get out of. I haven't been able to find the energy to change it. I want to. I know I need to. But I can't. I am scared.
It is an odd thing, depression. For anyone who hasn't experienced it, there are really no words to describe it. You feel so lonely, but having people around you is unbearable. I guess it is all the work that goes into playing the part. Putting that smile on day after day. Stuffing your feelings. Playing nice.
It is tiresome and fake. It is the feeling you get when you have the wind knocked out of you. Like someone has punched you square in the gut. An insatiable hunger for something, anything different than today.
But I am trying to remember that life is a journey. Today, tomorrow, even a month from now, I may still feel this way. But soon the ebbs and flows of life will take me somewhere else. A better place than I am now. And from every journey there is a lesson to be learned. Something that, hopefully, will make me a better, stronger person. A more authentic version of myself.
But knowing also that in every journey there is collateral damage. Things, relationships, people that are better left behind.
I am longing for this change. Ready to accept it when it comes. Excited to learn, be better, move on.
The power to make it different lies in me. Nobody can make the journey for me.