How Long?

A friend of mine recently posted the following status on her Facebook account - "How long is now?" I commented asking exactly what she meant by that. She said (and I am taking the liberty of paraphrasing which I hope is O.K.) that you are always telling yourself that you will do things - run a marathon, be nicer in traffic, stop freaking out about things, etc. And you always say you will do it starting now. But days, weeks, months, even years go by and you never get around to actually making the changes. She said she had a bit of an epiphany and realized that THIS is NOW.
Her realization and subsequent comment really resonated with me as I have been struggling with many of the same issues. "When my kids get in school...," "When I lose some of this weight...," "When I have more money..." I realized too, that my "nows" are passing me by.
So I have been seeking some answers. Trying to find ways I can live in the moment, be more present. In this quest, I realized that much of my problem stems from the fact that I often find that I am more concerned with what others are doing than with what is happening in my very own household. I know the correlation seems ambiguous, so let me explain. There are times that I read someones blog or see something that someone has posted on Facebook and I feel inadequate. And, at the risk of sounding completely crazy, sometimes jealous. "So and so is on the 111th mile of their 300 mile weekend run," "So and so's kids are studying pre-med and they are in Jr. High," "So and so is going to Tahiti." Now listen, before you leave feeling offended, let me assure you that I am not judging people's Facebook status or what they write on their blog. In fact, I have written some of the same (albeit less fascinating) things. All I am saying is that reading those things can make a person (especially a CRAZY person) start to feel pretty damn deficient. And don't tell me you don't know what I am talking about. While you are sitting there eating leftover Easter candy in your sweats while dishes pile in the sink, don't try to tell me you are happy that your "friend" just went to her 4th spinning class. In one day. Right after Yoga class. Followed by a 3 mile run. And, if you can really say you have no idea what I mean, I am glad you are my friend and "POOF," you are officially a saint.
But, alas, I have not been offered sainthood so I must make my own metamorphosis. Which means making changes that aren't necessarily easy.
One such change is deactivating my Facebook account. I would like to say it was no big deal. But I would be a liar. It was hard. It took me a few days. I even feel a little lonely without my "friends." I am currently searching for a Facebook withdrawal medication.
Secondly, I am trying to remember that my girls will never be 5 (and a half) again. Which means I can put up with some of the unpleasantries of motherhood (butt wiping, finding stuffed animals, lack of pleases and thank you's, a labored bedtime routine, etc.) so that I can enjoy the blessed and more rewarding parts.
Next, I am trying to remember that nobody cares much about the state of your yard or the ultra-cleanliness of your home. For most, a clean place to sit and chat will work just fine and, as long as the weeds aren't waist high most neighbors won't call the city.
I am trying to keep in mind that although marriage isn't always glamorous, I am lucky to be married to my best friend. I have a mate who loves me good, bad or indifferent, and who puts up with more than most men would.....EVER.
I am focusing on ways to make me a healthier person, both inside and out. I am celebrating the tiny steps. The days I make it to the gym and push it a little harder, the times I eat all my fruits and veggies, the times I stop, if only for a moment, the cycle of self-loathing.
And, lastly, I am rededicating myself to the gift of meditation. I believe that this will help me be a more creative and disciplined person. It will allow me to chip away everything that keeps me from experiencing my own divinity.
I hope I will see you on my journey. I need your guidance, your love and your support. And Shelley, thank you for your words that gave me the wake up call I needed to embark on this adventure.